is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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