my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
