I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
