My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
you would pick up someone in the library
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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