can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
