Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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