this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
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He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
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I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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