We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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