is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I just threw up on my dentist
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
