I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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