cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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