I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
