connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
