blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
