life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
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