The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
