We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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