hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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