Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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