Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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