I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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