Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
