My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
