Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
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