so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
