They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
Drake has all the answers
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm like, not good at living.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
