you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
