She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize
