He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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