If that was your dad, he is hot
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
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