I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
