our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
