I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Randomize
