You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
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