just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
