someone get that fucking seahorse.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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