Midget sex pt 2 tonight
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
