omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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