paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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