I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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