i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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