dude she's married.
so? a ring don't cover no holes.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
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I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
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Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
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