I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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