Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
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If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
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i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
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