Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
