If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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