her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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