no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
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