May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
