i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
