i have i love cock written on my hand and a vagina drawn on my arm and i just finished eating breakfast with the whole fam for mothers day
ahah at least you got away with it
nope...my gran was the one who informed me
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
