She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I could fuck to npr.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
