so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
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