Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
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You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
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